What Not to Say (to anyone struggling with fertility)

  Chances are, you know someone or will know someone that is struggling with infertility. The rate of infertility in North America is about 1 in the 6 couples and chances are there may be people in your family, in your workplace, and in your friend group struggling with starting a family. After years of working with fertility, it is still surprises me to hear what patients have to deal with from seemingly well-intentioned co-workers, family, or friends. These people want to be helpful, but often times their advice comes across as insensitive, ignorant or down-right rude despite the speaker’s intent to be any of those things.  In their defense- they probably have no idea what it is like to feel the emotional pain of not being able to start a family. They likely care for the person they are offending and have no idea the effect their words are having. That being said, I thought I would shed some light on how to be helpful and not a hindrance to someone who is dealing with infertility. Feel free to share this article with loved ones and spread some awareness about better ways to communicate in difficult situations.

Here is a good list (but certainly not comprehensive) of what NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility:

1. “Maybe if you just relax a little, it’ll happen”- this is probably the most offensive of all the statements and I encourage you whole-heartedly to refrain from it at all times. Even if the person is really, really, really stressed, do not offer this advice however wise it may seem to you. It’s offensive for a number of reasons. First and foremost- it’s medically and scientifically inaccurate. Stress can impact your neuro-endocrine system, but there are so many other causes of infertility ranging from blocked fallopian tubes to poor ovarian reserve- that trying to “relax” is not likely to address most of them. Secondly, if you knew how hard it is to deal with infertility, you would know that telling someone to relax does not actually induce any relaxation whatsoever. The only thing it communicates to the listener is your lack of understanding of the situation and may leave them feeling more isolated and even resentful.
    
2. “Why don’t you just adopt?” This one is not as offensive as the above statement, but certainly demonstrates a lack of understanding. Adoption is not a secret, elusive process of which most people are unaware. In fact, the listener has probably considered this option and may have deemed it inappropriate for any number of private reasons. Best to avoid this line of conversation all together, unless the person is choosing to share this information with you. If someone does feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts on this topic or about their intent to adopt- please, do not for any reason bring up stories of someone you know who adopted and had a negative experience. I cannot believe the number of times I have heard people comment on adoption with incredibly negative stories about how so-and-so adopted a child that has all these issues and now the family has a difficult child/experience. Anyone who is considering adoption has to attend an orientation meeting, and do a lengthy home study course. People who are much more qualified than you are will be preparing these couples for the reality of adoption, there is no need to offer advice. Raising children is filled with challenging times as well joyous times regardless if the child is adopted or biological. Don’t forget too that you may be speaking with someone who was adopted, and then you really have to take your foot out of your mouth. 

    

3. “Have you tried…. (bee pollen, yoga, magnesium, acupuncture, meditating, etc)?” This is a tricky one. If you yourself have struggled with fertility and have tried one of these methods then I think offering the suggestion from your own personal experience is helpful (but don’t beat them over the head with it. What works for one person may not for another). Otherwise, if the person has engaged you in a conversation that has arrived at this topic it would probably be safer to ask how their fertility journey is going and whether they have tried any modalities that are helping. This opens up the conversation for them to share and you may find out actually they have taken every supplement on the shelf but have not tried acupuncture or naturopathic medicine. If you do gently make a suggestion, don’t press the issue and leave lots of space for the person to process this information in their own time.
    
4. “Maybe you should just get over it and live your life”  This one is particularly hurtful because the speaker appears either disinterested or frustrated with the topic. That may not actually be the case but it can easily fall into the category of: “why don’t you stop whining and move on”. Being able to have children evokes so many issues and feelings that make it hard to move on. The person that is dealing with the infertility has to come to this conclusion when and if they are ready. Often, they may try many different treatments or therapies before they have a sense of completion and are ready to move on. If you really care about this person, asking if there is anything you can do to help is a much better way to preserve your friendship. 

If someone who is struggling is sharing information about their infertility they may be looking for support that does not include advice. They may be looking to vent, to feel understood or less isolated, or to ease the difficulty of what they are experiencing. They best way to figure out what they need is to ask. It also helps to acknowledge what they are going through without comparing it to difficulties in your own life. Here is a simple way to address some these situations:

1. Acknowledge their struggle. “I can see this is very hard. I am sorry you have to go through this.”
2. Ask if they need support: “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
3. Ask about the best ways to support them: “Do you want me to check in with you about how it’s going with your In Vitro Fertilization cycles? Or do you want some space?”

We can’t always say the right thing at the right time but as long as you remember that support and advice are not the same thing you’re likely to be a much more compassionate speaker and listener.